The perfect public restroom:

Starts with an entry way - just somewhere to stand should a line develop. This will lead to a row of urinals (the right height, and depth as to prevent splashing) spaced far enough apart, with dividers - preferably with a ledge (to place a drink on).

The sinks are on the opposite wall, it's disgusting to be in the same line as men peeing when you are trying to clean your hands. They are positioned on a counter top that is sloped towards the sink in order to prevent a solid inch of water from leaving a nasty line on trousers should one accidentally lean against the vanity. The faucets would have sensors and one thick flow - not the kind with several thin streams. Foam soap...with a sensor.

Hand dryers in order of preference:

1. XLerator. This goes against my typical aversion to clever misspellings for marketing purposes - but this guy makes up for it. It is fast, hygienic, loud (to drown out anyone who might still be trying to talk to you in the bathroom) and entertaining (it moves all the skin around on your hand). Plus they are motion controlled, so you don't feel wasteful for walking away before it is done.

2. Motion controlled paper towel dispenser. Only if it ejects a sheet long enough to actually dry hands with. Few things are more annoying than having to wait for that dang red light to go off so you can wave your hand around like a moron attempting to get another square-inch of paper towel.

3. Lever controlled paper towel dispenser. Preferably the kind that has a big enough handle to push with my elbow. I don't like the tiny ones that you have to grip.

4. Regular paper towel dispenser. When correctly loaded these classic fixtures can allow for perfectly controlled and customizable hand drying.

The following have no place in a public restroom:

5. Regular-powered hand dryers. They are ineffective, slow and wasteful. I always end up giving in and just wiping my hands on my jeans.

6. Funneled paper towel dispensers. The kind that looks like you are pulling a Clorox wipe out of the bin. By the time the towel is flattened to full capacity it is too wet to do any good. Also difficult to pull out the right amount, they just keep coming.

7. The fabric towel swing. While this is an entertaining novelty - it is just sick. Sick.

8. "Using both hands, pull firmly on edges of towel. If no towel is present turn wheel on side of fixture." No, just give me a damn towel. This isn't a freaking Olympic sport.

All this leads to a trash can near the door, one without a lid and no overhang (to allow for an easy toss-in), and a door that you can push open. Yes, push. Why would I go through all the trouble of sanitizing my hands just to have them soiled by the neanderthal before me who wouldn't know good hygiene if it licked the underside of his shoe.

One day I will find this place and I will pee a very happy man.

Dave Ramsey has nothing

I am not embarrassed to admit, my money management skills are paltry. When it comes to all things financial I am a lost cause. (Side note: I actually think it's an endearing quality of mine, this lack of interest in all things fiscal. (A side note to that would be - most other people consider this to be irresponsible and lazy, not charming. Which really leads me to another thing I find beguiling about myself: I am able to recognize my charm, even when others do not.)

Needless to say, I am acquainted with the 'overdraft.'

Today I was overdrafted. Luckily, today I also received a paycheck. However, I have learned from experience that a check does not necessarily equal money. Meaning, if I have zero dollars in an account and deposit a check - that does not mean I suddenly have check amount of dollars. It simply means I have deposited a check. For those of you who aren't following, I can't explain - ask Missy at Regions, she seems to know what she is talking about (but don't talk to Walter, he just reads you all your transactions for the past week and you can hear the judgement in his voice when he reads, "McDonald's -- $3.96," for the fifth time.) So, I decided to have my check cashed and deposit cash (which is actual money, despite what Ron Paul says.)

Being a resident of Memphis, I thought I was aware of the widespread ability to cash a check in nearly every neighborhood in the city (at least the ones who choose to exclude the prefix "neighbor"). Much to my surprise, things are not nearly as easy I thought they would be. When the big neon-balloon-letters on the window say "Cash Today" or "Checks Cashed" they do not mean the same kind of cash I mean. They actually mean "not cash."

A rundown:

Suntrust Bank - I thought a bank would be a good choice. I know they have money. The cashier was a lovely lady who used to work at the branch of Regions I use. They don't cash other bank's checks if I don't have an account with the bank...she suggested a liquor store. (I should have followed her advice more quickly.)

Kroger - The service center lists "check cashing" as one of the options - right under "money wire" and "tobacco sales." It takes 3-4 business days to get approved for this service. I needed somewhere faster, shadier. She suggests Check Advance, in the same shopping center.

Check Advance - They made promises of 'Cash Your Check for Less,' 'Up to $300 Same Day.' But they put it on an electronic debit card, which is also not real money, and I don't think I can deposit it in my account. He suggests Kroger.

Cash Advance - This one said "cash" in the title, so I figured it was a good move.

Me: "Can I cash a check here?"

CA: "We don't cash checks here."

Me: "How do I get a cash advance?"

CA: "We don't actually have any cash here."

Me: "What is it that you advance?"

CA: "Can I help you with something else?"

She suggested I try Hewitt Financial Services. She was crazy.

Memphis Cash for Checks - I knew this would a shoo-in. They had everything I wanted in the name. It was not. They did not. They did not know where I should go.

BP - I went next door to the Memphis Cash for Checks because there was a sign in the window that said "we cash checks" in both English and Spanish. After proving I am who my check says I am. Describing my job in detail. Calling the check issuer and explaining why I am not cashing this check at my bank. He handed me cash for my check (minus a 2 dollar charge)...and said next time it would be easier.

I deposited the cash and asked Missy about overdraft protection...but that is a story for another day.

For full disclosure: I went to several more similar places, but since none of them could help - I don't consider them worth mentioning. However, if you need to cash a check fast...go to the liquor store.